Jealousy: It's Not You, It's Me by Dr. Dennis Dailey

Dr. Dennis Dailey

Last night, William and I had the opportunity to attend a lecture at the Ecumenical Christian Ministries Center on KU's campus. Dr. Dennis Dailey was leading a lecture and discussion on Jealousy - a "very poisonous factor in relationships."

The talk on Jealousy was the kickoff event for a series of lectures called "Real Person's Guide to Human Sexuality." From yesterday, January 24, until May 2, lectures will be held weekly on various topics. You can view the full schedule here.

Dailey, as a couples counselor, states that 80% of his clients have jealousy as one of their relationship's polluting factors. Jealousy, a combination of fear and anger, shouldn't be confused with envy.
     Jealousy - a set of reactions to emotions (i.e. fear and anger) you're feeling. 
     Envy - the desire to have something someone else has

Though jealousy can be emotional, it is not an emotion by itself. The composition of jealousy is what gives it its own term. Dailey explained that anger is usually the result of fear. Fear can be the fear of losing someone or the fear of being replaced. The fear and anger combined feed jealousy until its teeth are sharp enough to start sabotaging a relationship.

Fear can be split into three groups; possessiveness, dependency and low self-esteem. Dailey explained that jealousy is not the problem to be fixed, but rather these three problems that lead to jealousy. "I believe we live in a sexist, misogynist, piece-of-shit world."

Starting his explanation of that belief, he elaborates on possessiveness. "Our culture feeds on an undercurrent of possessiveness. [In the past,] women were owned not unlike cattle," Dailey began. He explained that we believe our partner is ours. And while we are, in fact, in a relationship with them, we think of them as an asset - and not as a partner with their own free-will.

"Dependency is socially influenced," Dailey explained. For example, our society often portrays women as dependent on men for "things they could probably do themselves." There are two types of parents: cloners and gardeners. Cloners want their children to be just like them - roses, in his example. "We are roses. You will be a rose and act like a rose because that's how it is." Gardners work the soil, plant the seed and step back to watch it grow and "wait to see what the hell blossoms." Whatever comes up from the ground is celebrated. "A daisy!" This allows children to discover who they are. Cloners inhibit this ability and teach their children to depend on someone to keep their development "in line" and on a certain path. They'll often look to others to hear an opinion, an affirmation, etc. Dailey explains that you shouldn't have to earn or find your love - you will be celebrated and loved for who you are.

Finally, he touches on self-esteem. Low self-esteem is present when someone has a picture of themselves that is inaccurate. We, as humans, can sometimes develop a concept of ourselves from the internalization of the way those around us interact with us and treat us. Often people with low self-esteem think they don't have "what it takes" for whatever situation they're in - including relationships and partners.

Those three factors create fear which in turn leads to anger which becomes the conceptual footprint of jealousy. Jealousy is an obvious sight. Dailey explained one example of jealousy through the words of a girl at a party. "Hello everybody, this is my boyfriend," she announces. Not because she wants to introduce him, but because really she's thinking, "You keep for freakin' lecherous hands off my man or I'll do hurt to you."

During the dialog portion of the lecture, he brought up addition points including partner terminology. He refers to his wife as his partner because they've agreed that the terms wife and husband are so shaped by society that they've come to have a certain image. The wife cleans, cooks and runs the details while the husband provides, hunts, mows and builds.

When you're personally experiencing jealousy in a relationship, Dailey encourages you to confront your partner and say something along the lines of, "I need to talk to you. This is my problem, not yours. I'm not asking you to do anything or change. I'm feeling threatened when other men hit on you. I'm going to work on this and maybe we can talk about it later but it's my problem and I just wanted you to know." Jealousy truly is the jealous person's problem - if we expect the other person to do something to alleviate the feeling, we've suddenly become dependent. We don't want the other person to take responsibility for how we feel.

Howard Ting's photo of the ECM Center.

Each morning, we make a choice to stay with the person we're with. If they're cheating on you, flirting with other men, etc. that's who they are - they may or may not change but it's not our business to try and make the change for them or to put up with it. How is it going to feel twenty years down the road when the issue is still hot and steaming?

Be alert in the "pasture" of relationships. Watch where you're stepping and avoid those three cow-pie factors of fear. Do you best to self-reflect and be aware of how you're feeling and why. This will lead to a healthier relationship that's jealousy-free.

A special "thank you" to the Ecumenical Christian Ministries of the University of Kansas and Dr. Dennis Dailey for their time and efforts of bringing this free event to our community.